For Chris Kreidl

As a child of veterans, how appropriate that I post a blog on Veteran's Day. I am also a veteran blogger as I at once had three blogs--my favorite being a Coffee Commuters blog in which I co-wrote with my friend Lind Say. Well, I don't recall her writing more than one post, but she contributed by modelling and posing with bikini baristas.

Note that ever since I've became a competitive cyclist, I've been ridiculed for not drinking alcohol, eating only salad and apples, and I've even been called "Not Fun"! Can you even believe that? These comments aren't coming from people who are jealous of my cycling abilities or my enormous salary--though they may be jealous of my large ass--but instead from people who miss the days when I would go out drinking and stay out late and start shenanigans and howl at the moon and get up and go play outside all day. But now instead I'll respond to invitations of "fun" with "As if!!! It's my recovery day," or "I might pull a hammie." or "I might gain an ounce." I do, however, spend an incredible amount of time on the internet, googling ailments, watching Netflix on my ex, ex boyfriend's account (At what time is it not important to note which generation of ex you are referring to? And could I instead say, my ex twice removed? What does twice removed even mean? I'll google it later.), downloading to Strava, and reading Facebook.

Anyway, my life sort of reminds me the Revenge of the Nerds--but only when they get moved to the gymnasium and they all just lie around, play cards, or perhaps watch Poindexter rehearse on his violin. (The rest of the movie is WAY more exciting than mine today.)

And this Revenge of the Nerds reference is appropriate because I am now residing in Tucson, Arizona, for the winter. And while I was riding through the University of Arizona campus yesterday,  I was listening to Simple Minds radio and was strangely reminded of Revenge of the Nerds. I thought it was the combination of the 80's music and the college campus but I quickly found out from my real life friend--not google or a Facebook friend that I've never met--that the movie was filmed here in Tucson and that's why it looked familiar. That made my day.

By the way, this is totally what our pep talks are like during stage races.


Anyway, so Chris Kreidl, who reminded me on Facebook that I haven't blogged in two months, my life is a bit uneventful at the moment, which is why I haven't blogged. And I could take a small tidbit and blow it up into a multi-paragraph, comical blog post--but it's Veteran's Day for vet's sake! Take a moment and thank your vets for their service. (P.S. I thanked my mom, ex-marine, who served in the first Iraq war, for her service. And she said, "What are you talking about?" so instead I thanked her for her service as an employee at Stewart's Ice Cream shop when she was young.)

Being a CTS Athlete

As a pro athlete, I have very high expectations of my coach, Jason Tullous, at Carmichael Training Systems (CTS). We've been working together almost a year (one of the longest relationships I've ever had in my life) and I would definitely give him a "Like" on Facebook. After I recently migrated to Colorado Springs, he must have thought I'm ready to take my training to the next level because he arranged for me to take a tour of the CTS "headquarters"

I thought it was just going to be a meet and greet and didn't think too much about it. I was about to discover, however, that to become the best, when choosing a coach, you must look beyond the laymen fundamentals of boring stuff such as experience, proven success, a customized training plan, and regular feedback. What matters even more are all the perks that come with these fundamentals. Yes, it's these perks that when combined with the right coach, will give you that edge you need to take it to the next level. Here are the perks I learned about...

1.  Fountain Sports Drinks and Gels

Hard day of ASDFJKL'ing? Have a drink and perhaps a gel from the buffet tray.

2. Indoor Race Simulations

Don't tell Levi Leipheimer, but this CTS client totally kicked his ass in this stage of the US Pro in Colorado (I saw it!). And yeah, she is reading a magazine.

3. A Wattage Cottage Workout Room

Watts don't grow on trees. You gotta build strength to break 2000 watts on your recovery rides.*
*Breaking 2000 watts on your recovery rides is not endorsed by CTS but rather hyperbole used by the author to portray an element of humor.

4. An HGH Room

Sleep is required for lots of HGH, so why not put a massage/bedroom next to your cubicle?

5. Yellow Jerseys

You don't necessarily need to have earned it yourself--you just need to have one.

6. A Personalized Cubbyhole

This dude won't be back for awhile, so I've agreed to timeshare his space. (I think the walnut shade really looks nice with my jacket.)

7. "Retired Pro Seek n' Find" Picture Books

Jeff was convinced he was in this book but could only find half of his arm and a centerfold of his teammate.

8. A Smiley Support Staff

Special Ops guy Jim Rutberg, and Adam Pulford, the guy who set up my training account--no, he doesn't read my daily training (a.k.a. diary entries), not even the laughable "boo hoo I'm going to crack entries." I asked.

Anyway, so yeah, it was a good day to see what all goes into the CTS operations and meet some of the staff who cross checks my training plans. I felt pretty cool to get the VIP treatment and like I was some famous journalist with my expensive iPhone camera, snapping pictures and asking poignant questions like "Can these computers access the Internet?" and "Really, now, what's a high maintenance client--like how many calls exactly?"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Chris Carmichael and I are like best friends now. Yeah. Whatever, you know, no biggie. Well, OK, I didn't actually meet him but I took a picture of his office, so you know...it's like the same thing...

Seriously, I want to be friends with anyone who has two desks in their office. Don't you?

Morning of a Pro Cyclist

My interactions with my teammate, Jo Kiesanowski, are too good to keep to myself. They are deserving of a movie. (I've never made an Xtranormal movie and sigh when I see yet another one online, but I couldn't help myself.)

Falling Down

Ever since I started cycling in 2009, I've gotten a lot of crap for not knowing much about the history and who is who in cycling. I remember one of my conversations with my friend, Kele, who mentioned Kristin Armstrong, and I stared at her blankly. She was appalled--not in a "Oh, ha ha, you're cute type of way," but more in a "I want you to push you off your bike into those thorns" type of way. (In my defense, I had only been cycling about six months at the time. P.S. I was told once in a corporate review that I needed to work on not being defensive. Noted.)

Anyway, I googled Kristin and after phishing through results and images, I learned she wasn't "Kristen" and she also wasn't Lance's wife (I knew who Lance was, of course....Note: Defensive). And I really did feel embarrassed that I didn't know who she was, given she is a prominent figure in the women's peloton. I spent some time researching other women cyclists and teams, and some of my friends would tutor me without being patronizing. And after some time, I felt pleased with my progress and equipped to chime in "Oh yeah, wasn't it just great?!!!" during the next social hour about Famous Cyclist X, who won Race Y that I can't pronounce during a year before I was born or when I was listening to Michael Jackson's Bad tape regularly...as opposed to randomly in the 2011s.

Anyway, but it turns out that as I continue racing and think I'm rapidly expanding my wikipedia of cycling, I am constantly hearing names and races of people I don't recognize. And I could just sit there and nod and give the "Oh, totally. I'm SOOO engaged in this conversation," nods but my attention span just can't handle those types of conversations. So, if I hear Davis Phinney and say, "Hey, is he the dad of Taylor Phinney?" I then immediately find out that no one is impressed that I know who Taylor is but they are more appalled that I don't know who Davis Phinney is. And this happens over and over and over and over again. And back to Google and YouTube I go to figure out how I could be so stupid and not know these facts, forgetting that I just learned what a derailleur was in 2009 and I can proudly point out a top tube on a bike like a 1st grader pointing out California on a map. (Am I being defensive again? I'll never get that Star Employee of the Quarter parking spot--this actually exists--at this rate.)

So, hey, it's true. I like to be liked, but after so much "Bah ha ha ha--get this, Jennifer doesn't know who Blah von Blah Blah Blah is. Mwhahahah." I had enough. I guess I had a Michael Douglas Falling Down moment (You don't know what that is? Ba ha ha ha, you're so stupid) where I parked my car under the LA freeway, grabbed my briefcase, and decided I had had enough. My "Oh I'm just a dumb cyclist who doesn't know what I 'should' know" mindset became "Hey, I'm Jennifer F-in' Wheeler. I was in a SRAM commercial with Nick "I-won-Flanders" Nuyens (I googled him before writing this.) Who the hell are you?"

My Falling Down liberation moment

I took this new liberating outlook to Tour of Colorado since I'm in Colorado Springs with my teammate, Jo Kiesanowski, and tried it out with some Bike Industry A-Listers.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. And, uh, your hand is like covering up a sponsor.

 I'm Jennifer Wheeler, and you're too tall for this photo.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. I make the faces here, buddy. 

Orange Hair Guy. Yep, that's it. No introductions needed.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Who the...oh and you're my team director. Er...how's it going?

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Oh and I love you--no snotty attitude needed.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Who the hell...gave you those ribs? chomp chomp chomp

I'm Jennifer Wheeler, and we're posing for your new Twitter profile pic.   

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. And we're working on pronouncing "Roar" and "Parrots" correctly.

And I guess the lesson I learned is that I actually prefer to meet people for the first time without knowing who they are and/or much about them, so that I can form my own impression without it being clouded with random bike facts or gossip--and girrrrrl, cyclists can gossip.

That way I won't ever want to ask Bob Roll (Zing! Name drop!) to say "Tour "day" France" or I won't feel embarrassed for asking if this dude in the Radio Shack kit on the Echelon Gran Fondo charity ride is Chris Warner or Horner, and most importantly I won't lose my "gift of the gab" that will only work with a loose filter that isn't worried about saying something dumb to someone who is really important. I can just be a normal human and say everyday things like, "Hi. C'mere and get your photo with me. I wanna put you on my blog."

P.S. *whisper* I'm writing this in Jeff Pierce's (ZING!) basement. (I'm not held captive. He's married to my teammate who I'm staying with in CO Springs.) (Oh and I googled him a while back and that stage he won in the Tour. I can't pronounce it.)

SRAM Develops "The Schneider"

I'm in Chicago for Tour of Elk Grove. So, in between my acclimation sessions of drinking hot Americanos outside of hipster coffee shops and checking Facebook to see if I, too, have been tagged in High Heels magazine, I thought hmmm... maybe I could visit my sponsor, SRAM.

What I thought would be a quick tour around the headquarters turned into an interview, modelling session, and bloopers reel. Once I realized what I had gotten into, I quickly took a moment to remember the lessons I've learned from America's Next Top Model and my teammate and worked that shoot.

The visit started by meeting all the SRAMees (Or is it SRAMers? Or is it SRAMies?) and seeing where they test products from the future, have meetings in rooms named after cities, develop components that float in the air...and where they eat food. Queue US Weekly mag's "Stars are just like us"

Then quickly after my kitchen tour ended, I heard the click of a new Canon, the flash of a light, and despite my resistance, my jazz hands busted out from my pockets, and soon after came what has been coined as "The Schneider."

The Schneider has been passed down generations, originating in the 1500's from the contrapposta stance.

My teammate, Sam Schneider, has made some minor adjustments, particularly because the wide stance of the legs was not very flattering for females--especially females with muscular legs, and in the process, has perfected the pose, thus creating The Schneider.

As professional cyclists, we have many media photos and as you can see, well, my stance has taken some time to perfect.

However, with many hours of lessons and practicing, I made my Schneider debut and nailed the pose at the SRAM shoot--so well that you don't even notice that I'm whispering "OMG! OMG! OMG!" I did, however, think about a quick post up in victory after this moment. (I'm pretty sure I can do two hands OFF the bike.)

So, thank you, SRAM for the tour and for the now patented "The Schneider." P.S. I also listened to a program on This American Life today called "When Patents Attack"--I'm just sayin'...

Here is the SRAM Road Diaries Interview. You, too, can support "The Schneider," by liking Team TIBCO and SRAM on Facebook. Word.

I Lava Strava!

What? I saw that on a license plate somewhere. Really. No...I didn't. I've lied to you. It's true. I made it up...just a few seconds ago. Hard to believe, yes, I know.

That was my poor introduction in an attempt to make this news even more awesome than it already is...(and Fresh Prince says)...Drums please!....I have Strava and Garmin discount codes for you! They work, too. Use them because I get credit when you do! Yay for credit...and scratch and sniff stickers from the days of elementary school that look like grapes w/ eyeballs and say "Grape Job!"

(If you don't know what Strava is, go to the Website or skip down to my Q&A.)

Here is an example of an easy ride I did, just cruising around Mercer Island. (What? No, I didn't photoshop anything. 5,000 watts is pretty typical for me with a 130bpm heartrate, give or take a few watts.)

Strava Subscription Discount Code
Promotion code is: TTJENNIFER10
If you do not already have a Strava account, go to www.strava.com and click on "Sign Up" and create your account. Once logged in, click on "Free Plan (upgrade)" in the top-right of the nav bar. You will see a box to enter your Gift Certificate.

If you already have a strava account, click on your settings in the upper right corner of the page, and then click to "Account." Then click "change plans" and enter your promo code on the following page.

Garmin 500 Discount Code
Promotion code is: TTJENNIFER25
Step 1: Go to https://www.strava.com/register/bundle. Create your Strava account and enter credit card and shipping information.
Step 2:Click on the link "Have a promotion code" just below where you enter your credit card info. In the box that appears, enter your promotion code.

Step 3: click on the "Sign up" button at the bottom and confirm the price of $224 (plus CA tax if applicable) on the next page

Now then, here is the Strava Q&A...

Q: What is Strava?
A: It's an online bike club basically where you can upload your rides (with a Garmin or the Strava App on a smartphone) and then compare rides and compete against others who have ridden that ride. You can also look at Pro riders and follow them in tours to view their data, speeds, etc.

Q: I record all my data in a journal. Why would I want to publish my data on the scary Internet for others to see?
A: Because journals are like paper checks--get with the now, Granny! But seriously, it's a great place to keep all your data and compare your PRs on rides you do every day. The program compares your speeds/distances and informs you if you got your PR and shows you how far off or AHEAD of others you were on rides. Plus, I don't know why people are so secretive of their training data. Do you really think others are taking the time to analyze your data and create a training plan exactly like yours so that they can beat you in the next race? I don't think it really works that way. If it did, I will probably beat Ben King from Radioshack in his next race because well, I saw that he did 5x10s on Strava...and I did those, too...once....

Q: I already pay to use another program to house my data. What makes this better?
A: Well, in most programs you have to go back in your calendar to compare your progress. For example, I usually do my shorter intervals on the same stretch of road for consistency. To compare my workouts in the "other" programs, I would have to pull up my current workout and then make notes of my speed/power/HR and then fish through my workouts until I found the last time I did that workout and then compare the numbers manually. In Strava, it will automatically show you your previous performances on that stretch and give you little QOM trophies or medals--which are basically as good as the "Grape Job!" stickers I mentioned earlier.

Q: I ride for fun and am not fast. I'll never get these virtual medals, so what's in it for me?
A: Well, besides all the other features I described, it's a great place to record your rides and look at maps of the distance you've covered. It tells you all the features like elevation gained/loss, average speed, and even estimates your power for you. Strava also has several competitions and sends out REAL prizes--instead of just virtual medals--to those people who have recorded the most feet climbed (it doesn't care how fast you've climbed), the farthest distance ridden, and the most rides on a monthly basis. There's a leaderboard where you can see your progress. So go climb a mountain 7 times a week and you'll probably get some cool schwag.

Q: Is "I Lava Strava!" the best rhyme you could come up with?
A: Yes. You have a better idea? I'd love to hear it. Seriously. I don't hate, just congratulate.

And to close, the source for my "Drums Please!" quote

Bring on the Wolf

The past few weeks I've just been training for nationals. I think there must be a full moon coming or something because I just started to think about Teenwolf.

This will probably happen at my next race. Probably on the ramp before the TT. 5-4-3-2-1 and Hello Teenwolf!

Look how similar we look...

I'd also like to give a shout out to the celebrity appearance of FRANCIS in the Teenwolf video above. "Francis is busy! He's having his bath!"

Pee Wee vs Francis

Oh tee hee hoo hoo. I'm sure the 100 degree heat in a couple weeks in Georgia (where nationals is occurring) will wipe the silliness right off my face, right into the puddle of sweat below me.