The Heist

I've turned into a criminal in Tucson...and I somewhat enjoyed it!

Even though I'm in sunny Tucson, I'm still ordered do leg press at a gym to build "at-home Booty Pops." I can't afford to join a gym in whatever city I decided to land that month so THANKFULLY my new Tucson friend, Christy, let me borrow her gym card to use for the handful of times I'll go to the gym while I'm here. I just had to pull off my new identity...

As I mentioned in my previous post, I entertain myself by building dramas in my head. So, instead of just using the gym card, I treated my visit to the gym like a big bank heist.

I found out that although there's no photo of Christy on the card, there is one on the computer when they scan the card. So I asked her what her facial expressions were on the card, how her hair was done, etc. and then practiced replicating this look so I could sneak by the front counter. I think I pulled it off well.

Then as I pulled into the gym parking lot, I realized that if my identity is suspected, they may ask me to verify my personal information. I spent some time memorizing my name and address, including zip code. I came up with a few alternatives like..."well what do you have on file, I've moved...or ...oh you must have entered the wrong street before." Once I had all that set, I walked to the entrance. Before I entered the facility and realized i had no idea where the scanner was or if I was supposed to hand the card to a staff member, etc. That would totally give away that I was new to the facility if I couldn't pull that off. So, I stood outside and acted like I was on the phone, even talking to an imaginary person on the other line so I could slyly watch another member walk in and see the protocol.

Then it was time...I walked in casually like I was busy and handed my key chain over (of course, I had put the card on my key chain like a pro). I then looked at my watch and made the proper facial expression as the staff member scanned the card and looked at the computer and then looked at me. Then I heard the words, "Have a good workout!" I was in. I felt like I should put a finger to my ear and whisper, "Squirrel to White Rabbit--I'm in."

Instead I immediately scoped the place, and found the goods--the leg press machine. All was well until I realized that it was a leg press with advanced levers. I was only experienced in leg presses pre-2008 with standard controls. I panicked, panic for the safety of my legs, panic that if i fumbled around, it would be obvious I wasn't CHRISTY, who was a member since 2008!!!! Lord!

Luckily, after a minute or so I figured it out and all was good. I became more comfortable and noticing I was getting some standard looks from the Venice Beach tank top men who desperately wanted to give me a "How you doin? What's your name?" I practiced in my head, "My name is Christy. My name is Christy," but luckily my farmers tan, headphones, and stench from a ride previously in the day kept me safe from passers-by.

I finished my workout and then strolled out of the gym...mission complete...this time at least.

PS My butt is REALLY SORE. Curses to the Leg press of the future!!!