Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Premier Access

After finishing my Spring cycling tour in Europa (That's what we seasoned Europeans call it), I returned to the States (That's what I thought only Europeans called the US, but apparently everyone actually does. I was just stuck saying Amuricah so I didn't notice). Upon my arrival, I now had a pair of $180 G-Star Jeans which no longer look trendy and glamorous on me as they did in Dutch mirrors but instead make me look dumpy and manly in American mirrors, some Dutch novelties such as Wine Gums and Stroopwafels for friends, and most importantly, 25,000 United miles, which bumped me to Premier Status!

I'm in the Denver airport for my connection flight to the Joe Martin stage race in Fayetteville, AR, (I guess AK is Alaska, not Arkansas--HA! Luckily, my readers are smarter than I am) and I was so overwhelmed with my experience as a Premier passenger that I had to blog. Let me just say this is the life! Even though I am on the cusp of "Member" and Premier SILVER Member, apparently United thinks Silver is the new platinum because I have gotten rock star treatment. I was relieved to know that United works differently than financial institutions. Let me explain. Before cycling, I wrote elearning courses and once we wrote a course for bank tellers. I learned that before helping you, tellers scan your accounts to determine what level of service to give you. Given that I have at least $100-$150 in my account at all times, you would think that I would be a Premier customer at the bank, right? WRONG! I was known as a negative asset (I use past tense here because I think now I'm more like $50-$75. I used all my money on those dumb jeans that promised me fame, fortune, and a handsome lover.)

Anyway, last night I went online to choose my seats, and you wouldn't believe all the options available. When I was just a MEMBER, I scoffed at all the seats with extra legroom available for purchase, disgruntled and asking if they were going to just leave them empty and squish everyone by the bathroom because we didn't want to pay $44? Now, I happily click on the seats online for FREE. I relished in this moment, clicking 6A and then thinking no, maybe I want an aisle and trying that seat out on the seating chart. I ultimately decided on 6A and clicked next for my next flight from Denver to Tulsa where complimentary FIRST CLASS was available. Yes, ma'am. I am in seat 1D, boarding group 1...for FREE! I'm just going to sashay into the plane in my TIBCO sweats and backpack and say "Oh, excuse me, Steve Forbes, I think I'm in 1D....Yeah, I want the window...sorry." I'm sure they'll look at me in my black polyester blend hoodie and Camelbak hanging out of my mouth and think, "Oh, she must be new money...scoff." But I'm ok with that because I'm Premier, bitches!

Speaking of classy, when I cut everyone by using the Premier Access line at the Tucson airport, I noticed there was some decorations on the counter top--a few framed photos, some flowers, etc. I looked at the counter top for the "Members"--but not too long, I didn't want to make eye contact--and it was empty. So, I thought that Premier members must just get a little flair to make check-in feel more like home. When I got closer to the counter, I saw that it was a Barbara Streisand shrine and the photo was a photo of the ticket agent with a photo of Barbara Streisand. For a moment, I thought Barbara had died and got a little sad, but then I noticed that the ticket agent was wearing a Barbara Streisand tie and a button-down shirt that had Streisand Convention 1994 embroidered on the pocket. I realized that this guy was just CRAZY ABOUT BABS!

If this is what his work counter--no, I mean the general public United ticket counter--looked like, I couldn't image what his home looked like. Did his doorbell play the theme song from Funny Girl or Yentl? I thought about making awkward conversation and saying something like, "Oh, I loved Prince of Tides. Did you?" but he was frazzled and running around, so I didn't want to bother. A few minutes before, he had said, "Is everyone in this line a Premier member?" I know he wasn't talking to me even though he looked at me. My curls this morning must have reminded him of Babs. I'm sure when I get to Premier Gold--yes, Silver isn't good enough for me anymore--he'll know me by name. I sure they all get a list of Gold members and their bios to learn so they can ask provoking questions that enable gold members to talk about themselves and their success for hours. I'm going to start learning my lines!

Babs as a Jewish Boy--I didn't get past the first 10 minutes.

Babs in a risque movie that my mother let me watch in elementary school.


  1. This was very entertaining , good reading. Good luck at the stage race coming up...

  2. really enjoyed this...until the Streisand digression. ironically, I was at BABSon College whilst reading the post.

    I've enjoyed following your races on Strava but would like to watch the coverage. are any of these televised?

  3. Nice job at Joe Martin! Hope you enjoyed Arkansas (AR; AK = Alaska, a common mix up. They really should add an AK race to the NRC, no?) while the weather here's still tolerable. Looks like you burned up the TT very nicely. Tough luck with the DQ. What happened there? I would've thought an "unintentional" advantage might've warranted something less severe, like a relegation.

    A friend of mine got some nice photos of the event, including some candids of your teammates: http://www.flickr.com/photos/alton-roberts/page1/

    And one of my friends from Central Arkansas Roller Derby (who uses her "Cocoa Booty" to great effect) is very jealous of your derby name. Is it up for grabs now?

  4. If your friend does decided to use Arsenio Brawl, I have an awesome helmet I'd sell her for a million dollars. Thanks for the state initial correction--wow, I'd never make it on that "Are You Smarter than a Second Grader?" show.